Hi I hope this is going to tech support for Substack I just received a flimsy if I’ve ever seen it email with my “stat’s” for June”:

Thanks Substack for nothing because I can’t for the life of me figure out if my wife Marge is one of my subscribers???? She does not show up on the list of Subscribers but I know how frequently this stuff gets lost in the mail or delayed due to slow internet (I am on blazing fast fiber optic cable internet though so i dont know how that’d be a problem)

anyways it’s another fourth of july without my marge. maybe its time to say goodbye and let her go maybe all things end including the united states itself .

oh right you probably all want a fiction lesson? love the people close to you because you never know when they might leave you behind in a ditch (metaphorical as well as literal - marge left me after my moped got stuck in a ditch on the side of a dirt road that led to an airbnb that turned out to be a major scam but maybe all of love is a scam i don’t know)

god bless america or what’s left of it, just as I ask god to bless this mess that is my life and bring my marge back to me.

Thanks for reading this whoever you are at Substakc support I look forward to connecting asap ideally before the fourth.

that’s nice - before the fourth. maybe that’ll be my next fiction book.

much like a cow, life keeps moooving.

thanks and good night

Alex Dobrenko fiction writer (awards)

Halfway through my most scrumptious veal parmesean last night, prepared by the inimitable Chef Dan at Dan’s Italian Bar & Grill, I thought to myself - hell, it’s my birthday, why don’t I do something special.

And since neither my wife nor my best friend Stuart joined me for dinner, although Stuart did end up at Dan’s that night with his fantasy football buddies even though he told me he had to fix his sink, which, while definitely not helping anything, did nonetheless come out in the wash, as they say, when Stuart convinced the six person staff of Dan’s — including the big man himself, Dan, to sing me a happy birthday song and bring me a piece of chocolate cake.

While I am allergic to chocolate and honestly to much fanfare, I felt that I deserved this and so I ate with a reckless abandon I’ve only ever seen on a hot dog eating contest of television.

So here I sit, at the hospital with stomach poisoning, on my birthday, and I’ve decided to share some writing tips with this community which, it must be said, has kept me going these last few months and years.

1. Writing tips are the devil — make a deal with them at your own peril.

2. Fiction is itself a fiction. All is real as soon as you make it so.

3. In life, as in fiction, two people must agree on a fiction for it to be real. So when my wife says that I was not emotionally available for the last seven years of our marriage because I’d become obsessed with becoming a professional level swimmer who could compete in the Olympic Games and I disagreed with her read of the situation, that meant that her assessment was false.

4. My lap times continue to improve, and while of course I harbor no fantasy about playing for the USA team, my great grandmother is from San Marino, a country with 35,000 some odd people. I have spoken to them and confirmed that they will at least let me time trial for 2028.

5. Writers don’t make money writing. This wasn’t a problem for me because of the settlement money I’d collected after biting into a McDonald’s hamburger that had a giant, burger shaped piece of glass in it (easy to prove negligence and frankly an active attack on my person). But then I took most of that money and invested it in my idea for an Academy that helps people join Olympic teams of tiny countries and, well, let’s just say it takes a long time for some investments to pay their dividends like Mr. Buffett said. And I’m not talking about Jimmy.

6. Its okay and actually good to take however you are feeling as a writer and bring it into your characters. Right now I am feeling loopy on all the medicine they gave me at the hospital, but I also feel safe because this is the same hospital where I went after eating all that glass. Everyone here knows me and treats me as a friend and some I would even dare call family. That’s actually where me and Stuart met. He was and continues to be my Emergency Room doctor.

7. Kill your darlings does not mean actually kill anyone. Even threatening to do so after you’ve had one too many cherry schnap mojitos at your own solo birthday party and then, much to your chagrin, see your wife (ex) walk in and sit down with your former best friend Stuart and start laughing and having wine and enjoying themselves, even then screaming that you will kill all your darlings will make it easy for the cops to come here to the hospital and say that once you’re done with all the stomach stuff, they want to talk to you.

8. When the cops talk to you, do not ask them if they want to enroll in your academy for becoming part of a small country’s Olympic team. You don’t even know if the cops have great skills in any of the key sports that small countries like Bermuda and the Bahamas are currently needing all stars in.

9. Know how to enter late and leave early, especially when it comes to lists like this one because the meds are kicking in and Stuart is here and he looks angry and I justT waNnNteda to say thhati loveM ywIfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

Character is an interesting word because in fiction, everyone is a character. But in life, only real characters are characters, if you catch my meaning. The guy at the bar just minding his business chowing down on wings is not really a character, but Rick with the motorcycle and long hair and background that is vaguely European and love of ‘fine art’ whatever the hell that means, that’s a character.

We love our characters in fiction and in life, like for example how my (ex)wife Marge and Rick have begun what appears to be a torrid love affair the likes of which our small town of Hudson Valley, NY has never seen before. It makes perfect sense that they were seen necking on Makeout Mountain which is a place that teenagers go to have sex even though that’s not really making out and it isn’t even really a mountain and when I suggested to Marge that we make out she said no because my breath smelled like anchovies even though I’d brushed my teeth six times at least since the last time I’d eaten them.

Fiction is funny, but life is a farce. From what I can gather, the two of them just yesterday got matching tattoos. In our 30 years together, Marge not only did not get any tattoos but forbid me from doing so, citing some ancient law in the Hebrew bible even though neither of us are Jewish.

In fiction, characters must be put through conflict. In this way I myself am a character since I have never before felt such pain as I feel now with Marge out there with some store brand Fabio and his motorcycle.

From conflict comes action. Last night I punctured the tires of Rick’s motorcycle. He was outside watching me do it because he’s “got a good eye” and then he pummeled me to the ground with a big punch the likes of which I’d only ever thought existed in movies like Good Will Hunting and Ali.

Characters do things that are out of character (no pun intended but boy am I glad it’s there). Rick put spare tires on his motorcycle and then drove me to the hospital, told them what happened, and made sure I was taken care of, which is a good thing because I have three broken ribs and a broken heart too.

Hello I’m award winning author Alex Dobrenko. I write fiction or as I like to call it, Pretend-em-ups (I was told by my agent that Substack is where you go to get a little silly and loose).

Now, I want to teach you all how to write like me.

First thing’s first: you need a main character. Someone who will get into some serious trouble both externally (the outside world) and internally (their mind).

This is key. Without this, you’ve got nothing.

That’s lesson one. See you next time.

PS if anyone lives in my neck of the woods in upstate NY, please can you ask my wife Marge if she’s willing to consider a trial run at a new relationship? Like, forget the divorce ever happened and start over. A first date? I could take her bowling - oh, I wouldn’t know she liked bowling yet. I could take her to the movies. Please lmk if you hear from Marge thanks all.

That’s about it for lesson one.

Subscribe now